You can’t go outside until you pee in the popcorn. . .

We have two cats. Peace, 8 years old, belongs to Space Cadet. Before we got Peace, I prayed for a cat we would not be allergic to.

I should have prayed for a NICE cat we would not be allergic to.

Not that Peace isn’t a good cat. . . she’s very good. She doesn’t scratch the furniture or pee where she’s not supposed to or keep Space Cadet up at night or chew things up, or go into the cat food bag between meals. . . she wouldn’t even DREAM of jumping on the kitchen table. . . she’s just good.

She’s also very rigid, antisocial (except to Space Cadet) rarely affectionate, is very rude to “THAT KITTEN”, and a TERROR at the vets.

When it was time for Fatso to get a cat, I prayed for a nice cat we would not be allergic to.

I should have prayed for a nice OBEDIENT cat we weren’t allergic to.

Sherifina, 17 months old, is sweet. Sherafina just reeks of sweetness. She is cute and funny and affectionate and playful. She ADORES Fatso, and follows him around like she’s a puppy dog. She waits outside of the bathroom for him. She purrs up a storm. She likes to have her belly rubbed. She is friendly to visitors.

She also escapes from Fatso’s room (she has figured out how to open the door), jumps on the kitchen table, meows loudly at night for Fatso to wake up and play with her, scratches the couch and the furniture, and last week chewed through Czarina’s headphone cord AND the USB cord for Czarina’s MP3 player.

She also tries to get into the cat food bag between meals. Peace is totally disgusted by this. “We don’t get our own food!!! That’s what we have SERVANTS for!”

Back to Peace. . . we’ve had to make several vet trips with her this year. The vet’s assistants tremble when we walk in with Peace. There are notes all over Peace’s chart. “Be careful. . . she bites!” On a recent vet trip a new employee said, “I’ve heard about Peace!” They gossip about my cat behind her back!

To get blood work from Peace, she has to be sedated. So several months ago, when we could tell she wasn’t feeling well, we took her in and they did blood tests and a urinalysis. (Prior to the test results coming in, the vet suggested we put her on Prozac. . . I am NOT making this up.)

Turns out Peace has a urinary tract problem. They sold me some expensive food and the vet said to feed it to her for a month and then bring in a urine sample.

Um, excuse me. . . am I supposed to get this cat to pee in a CUP?

No, the vet explained, we can clean out her litter box and line it with shredded wax paper or unpopped popcorn. I had wax paper, so that’s what I filled it with. Then we had to keep Peace inside until she peed.

About 40 hours later, I was wondering if maybe it was not healthy for a cat with urinary tract problems to hold it in so long. . . until Fatso sat in a chair and said, “gross!”

Of all the kids that could have sat in the cat pee. . . it had to be the one with OCD. . .

Fortunately I had been wanting to get rid of that chair anyway, but I wasn’t about to sacrifice any more furniture, so I took her to the vets, they sedated her, and got the coveted specimen themselves.

Unfortunately, she’d gotten WORSE. I was told to mix a certain supplement into her food, and try again in a month.

Times up. After paying the last vet bill I decided to try the popcorn. So this morning Space Cadet cleaned out the litter box and refilled it with unpopped popcorn. Peace keeps trying to tell her, “This is just WRONG!” She wants to go outside, but we keep telling her, “You can’t go outside until you pee in the popcorn!”

And I’m praying for my furniture.

Stay tuned. . .